This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
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People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
the composer
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
When news reporters do sports stories
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.