This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom