Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’