Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

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Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

Heroic Misunderstanding

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”