This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
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I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
