this independent good boy don’t need no human
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”