this independent good boy don’t need no human
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.