this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
You Might Also Like
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I didn’t know they can drive…
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila