Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds