Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.