This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I have no passwords left in me
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
my dog when i have a friend over
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
When I laugh on my period
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?