This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
You Might Also Like
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Worth a try
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
me irl
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.