This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week