Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

I think they could have phrased this better

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”