This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.