This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually