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If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars