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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me when I’m ovulating
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now