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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox