this is 10/10 content no notes
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if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]