Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.