Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Cndnsd Mlk

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Admin smashed it 😂

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*