This is a bad idea on so many levels.
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.