This is a bad idea on so many levels.
You Might Also Like
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail