This is a bad sign
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.