This is a bad sign
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
One venti cheeseburger please.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
LA today:
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
And that about sums it up.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.