This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
This guy’s not having it 😆
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.