This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
You Might Also Like
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
ACED my prostate exam!
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.