This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
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I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.