This is a fact based meme 😏😂
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.