Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel