This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
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“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.