This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
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t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota