This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
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My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle