This is a genius move
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?