This is a genius move
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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”