This is a genius move
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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
🤣😂🤣😂
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Whoops
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.