This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
You Might Also Like
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Print is alive and well!!!
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
SQUARREL
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Is this anything
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.