This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
You Might Also Like
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
When your man makes a valid point
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.