Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.