Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

How software testing works

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.