“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.