Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

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Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

Friends that check up on you >

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug