This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.
bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazyOrdered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
