This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.
bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazyOrdered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
