THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
You Might Also Like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Help Wanted
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..