THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
when a toddler tells a story
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times