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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words