This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
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People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin