This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
New comic up. “Ransom”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
This is a sub tweet
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like