“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
the battle rages on
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
