“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
just got my engagement photos
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.