Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

Haha! 😂

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.