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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
The three genders.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
look scared
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*