This is a sub tweet
You Might Also Like
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Breaking news:
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Reporter: *ports again*
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.