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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
translated into Canadian
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.