This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If you are reading this then you are reading this
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.