Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

handsome & gretel

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing