Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

Start the year as you intend to continue.

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.