This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
If you need a laugh.. 😅
absolute chaos
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.