This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”