@HomeProbably

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

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@markleggett

My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.

@Jandalize

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

@Darlainky

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

@ibid78

You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.

@BombChelleMama

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

@LMHPhotog

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.