My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.
What a thing to Fallout 4.