This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag