This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.