This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
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Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese