This is a whole mood;
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Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’m the neighbor
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My brain is a bad influence on me
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.