Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills