This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
oppen heimer style lol
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations