“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it