“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.