This is always good for a laugh.
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My new favorite headline
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.