This is always good for a laugh.
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Festive toon…
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?